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-the seasons will seal these shards-
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| sweetheart. |
[Feb. 7th, 2007|10:01 am] |
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion
is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after.
sometimes you picture me,
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said.
Then you say go slow,
I fall behind.
the second hand unwinds.
if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time
after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows you're wondering
if I'm okay.
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time.
if you're lost...
you said go slow,
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds. |
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| help me. |
[Dec. 1st, 2006|12:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
Today is SO pay day... and I am SO not getting paid. This is becasue I was out all last week becasue of my knee. Fuck. I owe the gap like $130.00, my dad $40. And I have two tickets I need to pay. I am so unbelivabley FUCKED.
Today will be one of those days I suppose. Rainy, depressing. My room looks like a fucking war scene. I have wash to do, I should be trying to sell things. Or cleaning my car which probably contains mold at this point. Which Is probably why I am SICK as hell. Why dont I care about my life anymore? What the fuck happend to me.
Tonight I have band practice so hopefully my mood will lighten. I get to spend time with my boo. And play my keyboard.
Please someone, does anyone know any second hand shops that give you deccent money for your old shit?
I am at the breaking point. |
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| carnations. |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|05:05 pm] |
Hello. So wegmans has been working out for the better. It's about my third week and all is well. I unload flowers, cut them, make bouqets, arrangments and other things. I missed it so much.I got into a car accident last week. I busted my knee but its okay. My car's bumper got a little cracked but thats about it. Hurray for carless driving tickets.
I have officially decided that I may have some sort of mental problem. I am not afraid to even admit it. It may not be serious..im not sure though...hear me out. Some weeks(or even some days) I'll be extreamly happy without one worry in the world...that my life is alright afterall. I have everything I need and thats all I want. Then all of a sudden, I'm sad. I feel ugly, worthless and dumb. Basically I have been back on my rollercoaster of emotions and I want to get off...stat.
Im not a bad person. Please dont think that. If you ever met me you probobly know that I am very relaxed and easy going about a lot of things. Its amazing how medication can change you. I will always have the same heart. But now days...Im not really sure who the fuck I am. Where am I going with college. Do I even want to go anywhere with it? Maybe not. I can handle it...i've proven this to myself. But theres no passion with it. I dont look foward to going. Im not great at it. And I dont really care to be honest. I may sound like every other kid out there, but whatever. Everyone talks to me......"Marissa....you need to go to college...move way and expericing life. Do some drugs....meet some boys."
Well the truth is, ive lived away from home. For 10 months...I paid $350.00 worth of rent every 4 weeks. I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom...I had weeks when i had 20 dollars or less to my name. But you know what...it was worth it. Im just not sure if I want to do that again any time soon. As for expericing life...I experience it everyday..I dont need a big building and a masters degree to experience life. I can get it my car right now and go buy coke if I wanted to. But I dont want to. I can go hook up with random guys everynight, get wasted and used. But I have a boy in my life who makes me extreamly happy.
So, at this point in marissa's life no big college right now. Im working with cameras at occ and couldnt be happier.
Everyone knows exactley what they want in life. Seriously. We all know. We all know our biggest fears, what we hate, what we love, what makes us cry. Life is so weird. Think back when you were 6. How did you precive life? You probobly have done about half of those goals you wrote down on that paper in 1st grade. If even half. Thats becasue we are always changing our minds. What can be great at one point can be terrible sometime soon. Its so scary. It's a constant struggle...maybe not a hard one...to get through life. We all need better bodies, more money, a cooler car. We are all the same. And I know I will be sucsessful in life..becasue I have a lot of drive to myself. All I really want is to be happy. Am I? |
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| i make better pizza than p diddy |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|04:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
Yeah so. Things at the photo studio did'nt work out. I really dont feel like getting into it. But I have a new job starting saturday. I applied to Wegmans to work at the florist section. I really do miss working with flowers. Its been since jounior year of high school so im a bit rusty but I cant wait to get back into it. My uncle Frank is the deli/meat manager there so he kind of hooked me up. Christinas fiancee works with my uncle too. It should be fun. I'm just glad that I wont be poor anymore. More then anything I really miss working at barnes and noble. I miss my buds, my coffee shop, the way I could be a silly fuck and have fun. But life moves on.
My image has changed latley. I can once again fit into clothes i havent been able to fit into for 3 years. its wonderful. I am extreamly happy. As anyone would be.
Last night I was watching a old tape from high school. I brought my camera to school one day and filmed my whole school day. It almost made me cry. They were such good times. Even though it didnt seem like it at all. I wish so badly I could go back and do it again. I really never thought I would say that. As I get older, I realize that I say a lot of things I never thought I would say. As my life stands now I am once again tugging my way through it. Living each day as it comes and keeping my head foward instead of turning around ever 5 minutes to see if I missed anything. As I said before, life goes on. |
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| cats are cute |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|03:14 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Today has been a total veg out day. I have done nothing productive at all besides showering. I love it. who knows where the day will take me. i wish it wasnt so disgusting outside. Last night in my tv production class i got to be the director and also work as "camera 1". haha. Also in my news, i bought a daisy rock electric guitar. it rules. ill post a picture soon. ive learned a few songs so far. I have a lot of confidence. I feel bad for my neglected keyboard in a way. speaking of in a way. in a way, i kind of just want to curl up and go to sleep right now. |
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| yo |
[Oct. 13th, 2006|02:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
So yeah. I walked out of barnes and noble. They werent giving me a raise and basically told me im terrible at my job. fuckkk that. So anywho, im working for life touch photography..taking portriats of cute little kids and not so cute adults. It seems like a fun job, i get along with everyone and i get to take pictures and get paid. Before wednesday there was about 6 days that went by that i was in this weird depression. Im pretty sure my job had a lot to do with it, but im not sure what exactly it was. I just couldnt smile. I realized i had to stop getting trashed everyday...its just not worth it. Puking for 4 hours in the city is not my idea of fun. Im getting worried becasue my thursday tickets havent come yet and they should be here. grrr. I need a halloween costume. stat. im freezing. hope you have a nice weekend. |
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| why |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|03:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The washing machine | ] |
These past few days i've felt odd. Like theres just something inside of me begging for attention. I cant figure out what it is or what i need. I wouldnt say i am depressed but i questional on it. Its so hard to explain when i dont even know whats wrong. Hopefully this is will pass and be forgotten. I woke up at 3pm today. That is so disgusting and i havent done that in so long. Now i remember why. Im off to the shower. Hope you all have good weekends. |
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| Yeah. |
[Oct. 1st, 2006|05:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
What a productive day. right. I spent money that I didnt need to spend, I drove up and down route 9 like it was a hobby. Today just is one of those days. A few things have been on my mind latley. I've been going to the city a lot these past couple of weeks and each time I go it's the same feeling. When can I live here? I really do sit here and think to myself "Marissa, quit your job, stop going to occ and rent a little loft in nyc and get a cool job in the village and sit at union square staring at the film acadamy for a pass time." Then I wake up and realize this is all to easy to think and talk about; would it be so easy to do? Who the fuck knows. But honestly, who cares? What do I have to loose in the long run? It's like an itch Im so tempted to scratch at but I cant reach it. Anywho. My film class is awesome. We have this HUGE broadcasting room, with huge cameras, a billion lights, dollys, switchers. Everything. just like the professionals. I have to film a talk show. i have to be the host. and i need voluenteers for people who would want to be interveiwed. about anything. you can pretend your famous, or be yourself, play an instrument, show your art work. anything. just let me know. stat.
i hate 90's music.
"Yo times is up, you gotsta go"-flava flav |
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| hm. |
[Sep. 27th, 2006|07:15 pm] |
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what the fuck is wrong with me. |
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| hey |
[Sep. 6th, 2006|12:55 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
Life has been pretty good latley. It would be wrong for me to complain about it at this time.
My summer was a big wave of tons of mixed emotions. Up and down up and down. Back in the begining of july i felt as though my world. Marissa's world, had been shot out of the sky sending it into a nose dive to the ground. Without the help of my friends, some new, some old, i would have kept falling. My trip to the dominican republic was awesome. I had a great time dispite some tension that we had. We enjoyed ourselves and our last days spent together. By the end of july i was partying a lot, buying things i dont need, waking up late, going to the beach. Normal fun summer things. Augest i made a complete turn around on myself.
I told myself, NO more feeling like shit. No more depression. Yes it was 2 years and some months of a great thing. But it ended. And there are reasons. And i am accepting to them. The relationship taught me a hell of a lot. I learned so much from it. Thats all that matters in the end. Its time to move on from my down. I cant wait around forever for something that may never come back. Life is too short to not want to wake up in the morning.
Seeing old friends in Augest had really put a big smile on my face. Seeing me best friends,my old friends & going places. Making every day a little adventure. Going to new hope, Atlantic city, Jersey gardens mall, allaire state park,sleeping on the beach all night,going to the rainforest cafe. Having the best time i've had in a long time.
Remembering what its like to be happy.
Remembering what it feels like to be myself.
I am unbeliveably content right now. I start my film courses tomorrow. Im really excited. I hope you all had good summers. I really had an interesting one. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 21st, 2006|06:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
my birthday is in less than a month! i'm going to be 19, thats so funny. yesterday i went to the menlo park mall which is always awesome and today i cleaned the house with the face. Im not really in the mood for the week to start up again. I wish the weather would make up its mind. i want a food massage.
marissa<3 |
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| ocd |
[Oct. 1st, 2005|06:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | enya | ] |
Ever since I was a child i have sufferd from OCD(obsesive, compulsive disorders)When i was a kid i used to have to shut my door 12 times before the final one, touch certian people, have 3 ice cubes in my drink, no more or less. When i was 15 i stoped getting these compulsions becasue when i was 14, they were worse then ever. Id stay up for hours a night re-arranging EVERY little thing in my room so that not one object touches another one. I used to break down and sob on my floor and even went though some thought of suicide. I finally just said...i have to stop. And i did it, i went about 2 years with no ocd.
Now their back. EVERYTHING came back, and worse.... I'm back to my unplugging everyhing before i leave, not pushing a chair so it touches a table, counting my footsteps, having to blink at certian things that i feel the urge to, having nothing touching eachother, having no objects be outside the perimiter of anything(a table, a counter, a desk) Collecting usles objects feeling the need to, having everything on an even number, and most of all, touching certian things with both hands, making sure each finger has touched the object. and for the most complex, touching or holding something in my right hand means i must touch or hold it with my left(or vis vesa) and again making sure each finger has touched it. And with all of this comes the stressful part...that if i dont preform these tasks my brain is telling me to, that something completley terrible will happen. Ill die on the way to work, my mom will get into a car accident, my cat will die. So then i cant help but give in. I know i should see a doctor but im so scared of the medication they use to treat OCD's which is anti-depressants. But i cant live life like this. It's so terrible how controlling it can be. how fucking stupid i feel for having to do these weird rituals.
I know their pointless and crzay, but i have to do them. :( it really sucks. |
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| hm. |
[Sep. 16th, 2005|08:48 pm] |
I danced around in circles,
I was watching my hands sway around the lights.
my eyes closed.
I felt weightles.
I picked up the glass and drank.
And laughed with my friends.
I sang along to the songs,
and observed the group.
Smiling and bright eyed.
I took the comfort and danced.
In cirlces I span.
And fell to the ground.
and cried. |
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| wow |
[Aug. 23rd, 2005|11:39 am] |
Well I only have about 2 weeks till my classes at brookdale start. I've been extreamly emotional latley and it sucks. I find myself crying over the dumbest things, things I know I can get around, or fix. I think i'm so sensitive latley becasue of all the differnt turns my life is taking. Im moving to A condo with my boyfriend and two other friends, i've never moved since i was 4. Im starting a new school, my parents are splitting up.
so many things running through my mind, you should see how fast my pen moves before I go to sleep.
im gonna be okay. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|09:32 pm] |
Corny...
im bored though!
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| I hate the sun |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|04:04 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
Well this weekend has been one of the more fun ones of my summer. Friday night, Carrie, Jen y. and myself went to bamboo. We wished someone very special that we all miss was with us. It was my first time time there, and it was really a lot of fun. Besides the terrible amount of money I paid to get in, I really dont have one complaint about it. When we got home we met up with the guys and did a late night regent run. Talk about not even being able to concentrate. Out of the whole entire diner, we end up RIGHT next to this long table of VERY LOUD fucking people. Now I understand being somewhat obnoxious, silly and a little loud is fun, but they were literally SCREAMING at eachother, and kept being asked to shut up, but they didnt listen. So our diner trip didnt turn out that fun. But my Strawberry rolled pancakes were pretty damn good.
Saturday me and pie went to englishtown to Honda day. It was so unbearably hot out as most of you witnessed if you stood outside for 5 seconds yesterday. The races were nice, the cars were nice, but I started getting very dehydrated and light headed. I'm not really good when it comes to heat, I mean i was born dehydrated. haha. So we left a little earlier then we expected but thats okay, becasue it was better then risking one of us dropping on the ground from heat exsaustion.
So last night we had a little party at the house which was fun since we havent had one in a long ass time. Got to see Jen Y again which was awesomeince i havent seen her all summer then I saw her 2 nights in a row. Let's just say I had about 8 Electric Lemonaids and they were damn good. Besides some stupid unavoidable drama, the get together was fun. I didnt wake up until almost 2 today. =\
So now today who knows. It was really nice having the weekend off. When I take off Saturday's, my weekend feels much longer. And im anticipating tuesday becasue thats when I'm going to Cape May for 2 days. I am so excited! Off to the shower. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 3rd, 2005|11:51 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
the Ham
(26% dark, 69% spontaneous, 33% vulgar) |
your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT
Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith |
 |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 0% on dark |
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You scored higher than 94% on spontaneous |
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You scored higher than 42% on vulgar |
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| the greiving process. |
[Aug. 1st, 2005|09:49 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Guster- Homecomming King | ] |
It's so funny how people just change completley within a time span that it takes a butterfly to hatch from a cacoon. (ha.)
But its completley opposite. insted of something ugly turning beautiful...something beautiful turnes very ugly.
It's a risky, lonley path your heading down. I gave all I could to point you in the other direction, but I guess that was a waste of my time. The other night I flipped through dozens of pictures of us going back to when we were in mist of age 12 and 13. wow. (I cant really believe i've known you so long)And to be quite honest, I cried. Hell..I sobbed.Why arent I good enough for you anymore.we used to be eachothers role modles, heros, sholder-to-lean-on.
Just please, dont ever forget me.
no matter how many fucked up things you do.
and no matter how much you morph into this differnt person, at the rate i change my socks.
I will still use your name, when people ask me who made the biggest impact on your life.
And the sad part is, I know im not the name that would come out of your mouth...on that exact question.
but I once was.
sometimes I feel so alone. |
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| asshole. |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|11:33 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
This is just escalading into a bigger and bigger mess.
I have no more money in my savings account and I started out with so much.
my dad is a prick. He siad he'd pay for my school (which is due augest 4th) and a week before it's due he tell's me he's not going to anymore. Now I have to use my money. So now i'm fucking poor.
i just feel like screaming into his face about how unfair that is.
My mom has a meeting with a lawyer at 3 today about the divorce.
Thank god...seriously. |
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| blah. |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|09:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | full | ] |
Hmm. what has summer vaction come to. It's more like..what the hell I expecting from it. It's been differnt in my life latley. I feel like there is a hole that needs to be filled in. I don't think it's a person or anything like that. I think I need to go out and do something for myself. I'm really not sure what though, and thats the hard part about what im going through. I'm always looking for some kind of big thing to happen and it does'nt ever come. I try to write these stories or novels and i end them half way through becasue they are'nt good enough. I try to write a beautiful song on my keyboard and wind up shutting it off. I get discouraged way to easily, and annoyed with myself. I dont know whats been wrong with me latley...seriously. Like I said this is'nt about people in my life. It's me. and I dont like it. And i can't figure it out. Im not depressed, or unhappy. Im just confused. |
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