-the seasons will seal these shards-

sweetheart.

2007-02-07T15:05:21Z

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
and think of you
caught up in circles confusion
is nothing new
Flashback, warm nights
almost left behind
suitcases of memories,
time after.

sometimes you picture me,
I'm walking too far ahead
you're calling to me, I can't hear
what you've said.
Then you say go slow,
I fall behind.
the second hand unwinds.

if you're lost you can look and you will find me
time after time
if you fall I will catch you I'll be waiting
time after time

after my picture fades and darkness has
turned to gray
watching through windows you're wondering
if I'm okay.
secrets stolen from deep inside
the drum beats out of time.

if you're lost...

you said go slow,
I fall behind
the second hand unwinds.

help me.

2006-12-01T16:49:54Z

Today is SO pay day... and I am SO not getting paid. This is becasue I was out all last week becasue of my knee. Fuck. I owe the gap like $130.00, my dad $40. And I have two tickets I need to pay. I am so unbelivabley FUCKED.

Today will be one of those days I suppose. Rainy, depressing. My room looks like a fucking war scene. I have wash to do, I should be trying to sell things. Or cleaning my car which probably contains mold at this point. Which Is probably why I am SICK as hell. Why dont I care about my life anymore? What the fuck happend to me.

Tonight I have band practice so hopefully my mood will lighten. I get to spend time with my boo. And play my keyboard.

Please someone, does anyone know any second hand shops that give you deccent money for your old shit?

I am at the breaking point.

carnations.

2006-11-29T21:05:08Z

Hello. So wegmans has been working out for the better. It's about my third week and all is well. I unload flowers, cut them, make bouqets, arrangments and other things. I missed it so much.I got into a car accident last week. I busted my knee but its okay. My car's bumper got a little cracked but thats about it. Hurray for carless driving tickets.

I have officially decided that I may have some sort of mental problem. I am not afraid to even admit it. It may not be serious..im not sure though...hear me out. Some weeks(or even some days) I'll be extreamly happy without one worry in the world...that my life is alright afterall. I have everything I need and thats all I want. Then all of a sudden, I'm sad. I feel ugly, worthless and dumb. Basically I have been back on my rollercoaster of emotions and I want to get off...stat.

Im not a bad person. Please dont think that. If you ever met me you probobly know that I am very relaxed and easy going about a lot of things. Its amazing how medication can change you. I will always have the same heart. But now days...Im not really sure who the fuck I am. Where am I going with college. Do I even want to go anywhere with it? Maybe not. I can handle it...i've proven this to myself. But theres no passion with it. I dont look foward to going. Im not great at it. And I dont really care to be honest. I may sound like every other kid out there, but whatever. Everyone talks to me......"Marissa....you need to go to college...move way and expericing life. Do some drugs....meet some boys."

Well the truth is, ive lived away from home. For 10 months...I paid $350.00 worth of rent every 4 weeks. I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the bathroom...I had weeks when i had 20 dollars or less to my name. But you know what...it was worth it. Im just not sure if I want to do that again any time soon. As for expericing life...I experience it everyday..I dont need a big building and a masters degree to experience life. I can get it my car right now and go buy coke if I wanted to. But I dont want to. I can go hook up with random guys everynight, get wasted and used. But I have a boy in my life who makes me extreamly happy.

So, at this point in marissa's life no big college right now. Im working with cameras at occ and couldnt be happier.

Everyone knows exactley what they want in life. Seriously. We all know. We all know our biggest fears, what we hate, what we love, what makes us cry. Life is so weird. Think back when you were 6. How did you precive life? You probobly have done about half of those goals you wrote down on that paper in 1st grade. If even half. Thats becasue we are always changing our minds. What can be great at one point can be terrible sometime soon. Its so scary. It's a constant struggle...maybe not a hard one...to get through life. We all need better bodies, more money, a cooler car. We are all the same. And I know I will be sucsessful in life..becasue I have a lot of drive to myself. All I really want is to be happy. Am I?

i make better pizza than p diddy

2006-11-05T20:09:09Z

Yeah so. Things at the photo studio did'nt work out. I really dont feel like getting into it. But I have a new job starting saturday. I applied to Wegmans to work at the florist section. I really do miss working with flowers. Its been since jounior year of high school so im a bit rusty but I cant wait to get back into it. My uncle Frank is the deli/meat manager there so he kind of hooked me up. Christinas fiancee works with my uncle too. It should be fun. I'm just glad that I wont be poor anymore. More then anything I really miss working at barnes and noble. I miss my buds, my coffee shop, the way I could be a silly fuck and have fun. But life moves on.
My image has changed latley. I can once again fit into clothes i havent been able to fit into for 3 years. its wonderful. I am extreamly happy. As anyone would be.
Last night I was watching a old tape from high school. I brought my camera to school one day and filmed my whole school day. It almost made me cry. They were such good times. Even though it didnt seem like it at all. I wish so badly I could go back and do it again. I really never thought I would say that. As I get older, I realize that I say a lot of things I never thought I would say. As my life stands now I am once again tugging my way through it. Living each day as it comes and keeping my head foward instead of turning around ever 5 minutes to see if I missed anything. As I said before, life goes on.

cats are cute

2006-10-17T19:26:32Z

Today has been a total veg out day. I have done nothing productive at all besides showering. I love it. who knows where the day will take me. i wish it wasnt so disgusting outside. Last night in my tv production class i got to be the director and also work as "camera 1". haha. Also in my news, i bought a daisy rock electric guitar. it rules. ill post a picture soon. ive learned a few songs so far. I have a lot of confidence. I feel bad for my neglected keyboard in a way. speaking of in a way. in a way, i kind of just want to curl up and go to sleep right now.

yo

2006-10-13T14:55:47Z

So yeah. I walked out of barnes and noble. They werent giving me a raise and basically told me im terrible at my job. fuckkk that. So anywho, im working for life touch photography..taking portriats of cute little kids and not so cute adults. It seems like a fun job, i get along with everyone and i get to take pictures and get paid. Before wednesday there was about 6 days that went by that i was in this weird depression. Im pretty sure my job had a lot to do with it, but im not sure what exactly it was. I just couldnt smile. I realized i had to stop getting trashed everyday...its just not worth it. Puking for 4 hours in the city is not my idea of fun. Im getting worried becasue my thursday tickets havent come yet and they should be here. grrr. I need a halloween costume. stat. im freezing. hope you have a nice weekend.

why

2006-10-07T19:44:50Z

These past few days i've felt odd. Like theres just something inside of me begging for attention. I cant figure out what it is or what i need. I wouldnt say i am depressed but i questional on it. Its so hard to explain when i dont even know whats wrong. Hopefully this is will pass and be forgotten. I woke up at 3pm today. That is so disgusting and i havent done that in so long. Now i remember why. Im off to the shower. Hope you all have good weekends.

Yeah.

2006-10-01T21:28:58Z

What a productive day. right. I spent money that I didnt need to spend, I drove up and down route 9 like it was a hobby. Today just is one of those days. A few things have been on my mind latley. I've been going to the city a lot these past couple of weeks and each time I go it's the same feeling. When can I live here? I really do sit here and think to myself "Marissa, quit your job, stop going to occ and rent a little loft in nyc and get a cool job in the village and sit at union square staring at the film acadamy for a pass time." Then I wake up and realize this is all to easy to think and talk about; would it be so easy to do? Who the fuck knows. But honestly, who cares? What do I have to loose in the long run? It's like an itch Im so tempted to scratch at but I cant reach it. Anywho. My film class is awesome. We have this HUGE broadcasting room, with huge cameras, a billion lights, dollys, switchers. Everything. just like the professionals. I have to film a talk show. i have to be the host. and i need voluenteers for people who would want to be interveiwed. about anything. you can pretend your famous, or be yourself, play an instrument, show your art work. anything. just let me know. stat.

i hate 90's music.

"Yo times is up, you gotsta go"-flava flav

hm.

2006-09-27T23:14:42Z

what the fuck is wrong with me.

hey

2006-09-06T17:06:39Z

Life has been pretty good latley. It would be wrong for me to complain about it at this time.

My summer was a big wave of tons of mixed emotions. Up and down up and down. Back in the begining of july i felt as though my world. Marissa's world, had been shot out of the sky sending it into a nose dive to the ground. Without the help of my friends, some new, some old, i would have kept falling. My trip to the dominican republic was awesome. I had a great time dispite some tension that we had. We enjoyed ourselves and our last days spent together. By the end of july i was partying a lot, buying things i dont need, waking up late, going to the beach. Normal fun summer things. Augest i made a complete turn around on myself.

I told myself, NO more feeling like shit. No more depression. Yes it was 2 years and some months of a great thing. But it ended. And there are reasons. And i am accepting to them. The relationship taught me a hell of a lot. I learned so much from it. Thats all that matters in the end. Its time to move on from my down. I cant wait around forever for something that may never come back. Life is too short to not want to wake up in the morning.

Seeing old friends in Augest had really put a big smile on my face. Seeing me best friends,my old friends & going places. Making every day a little adventure. Going to new hope, Atlantic city, Jersey gardens mall, allaire state park,sleeping on the beach all night,going to the rainforest cafe. Having the best time i've had in a long time.

Remembering what its like to be happy.
Remembering what it feels like to be myself.

I am unbeliveably content right now. I start my film courses tomorrow. Im really excited. I hope you all had good summers. I really had an interesting one.

emoxasparagus @ 2006-05-21T18:52:00

2006-05-21T22:55:33Z

my birthday is in less than a month! i'm going to be 19, thats so funny. yesterday i went to the menlo park mall which is always awesome and today i cleaned the house with the face. Im not really in the mood for the week to start up again. I wish the weather would make up its mind. i want a food massage.

marissa<3

ocd

2005-10-01T22:14:49Z

Ever since I was a child i have sufferd from OCD(obsesive, compulsive disorders)When i was a kid i used to have to shut my door 12 times before the final one, touch certian people, have 3 ice cubes in my drink, no more or less. When i was 15 i stoped getting these compulsions becasue when i was 14, they were worse then ever. Id stay up for hours a night re-arranging EVERY little thing in my room so that not one object touches another one. I used to break down and sob on my floor and even went though some thought of suicide. I finally just said...i have to stop. And i did it, i went about 2 years with no ocd.

Now their back. EVERYTHING came back, and worse.... I'm back to my unplugging everyhing before i leave, not pushing a chair so it touches a table, counting my footsteps, having to blink at certian things that i feel the urge to, having nothing touching eachother, having no objects be outside the perimiter of anything(a table, a counter, a desk) Collecting usles objects feeling the need to, having everything on an even number, and most of all, touching certian things with both hands, making sure each finger has touched the object. and for the most complex, touching or holding something in my right hand means i must touch or hold it with my left(or vis vesa) and again making sure each finger has touched it. And with all of this comes the stressful part...that if i dont preform these tasks my brain is telling me to, that something completley terrible will happen. Ill die on the way to work, my mom will get into a car accident, my cat will die. So then i cant help but give in. I know i should see a doctor but im so scared of the medication they use to treat OCD's which is anti-depressants. But i cant live life like this. It's so terrible how controlling it can be. how fucking stupid i feel for having to do these weird rituals.

I know their pointless and crzay, but i have to do them. :( it really sucks.

hm.

2005-09-17T00:52:34Z

I danced around in circles,
I was watching my hands sway around the lights.
my eyes closed.
I felt weightles.
I picked up the glass and drank.
And laughed with my friends.
I sang along to the songs,
and observed the group.
Smiling and bright eyed.
I took the comfort and danced.
In cirlces I span.
And fell to the ground.
and cried.

wow

2005-08-23T15:42:55Z

Well I only have about 2 weeks till my classes at brookdale start. I've been extreamly emotional latley and it sucks. I find myself crying over the dumbest things, things I know I can get around, or fix. I think i'm so sensitive latley becasue of all the differnt turns my life is taking. Im moving to A condo with my boyfriend and two other friends, i've never moved since i was 4. Im starting a new school, my parents are splitting up.

so many things running through my mind, you should see how fast my pen moves before I go to sleep.

im gonna be okay.

emoxasparagus @ 2005-08-21T21:32:00

2005-08-22T01:32:42Z

Corny...
im bored though!

What Icons are for you?(Thank you for #1!! Please check out my other Memes!!) by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...	breath taking
Your hugs are...	gentle
Your eyes...	light up a day
Your touch is...	heart warming
Your smell is...	exotic
Your smile is...	encouraging
Your love is...	one of a kind

Quiz created with MemeGen!

I hate the sun

2005-08-14T20:13:42Z

Well this weekend has been one of the more fun ones of my summer. Friday night, Carrie, Jen y. and myself went to bamboo. We wished someone very special that we all miss was with us. It was my first time time there, and it was really a lot of fun. Besides the terrible amount of money I paid to get in, I really dont have one complaint about it. When we got home we met up with the guys and did a late night regent run. Talk about not even being able to concentrate. Out of the whole entire diner, we end up RIGHT next to this long table of VERY LOUD fucking people. Now I understand being somewhat obnoxious, silly and a little loud is fun, but they were literally SCREAMING at eachother, and kept being asked to shut up, but they didnt listen. So our diner trip didnt turn out that fun. But my Strawberry rolled pancakes were pretty damn good.
Saturday me and pie went to englishtown to Honda day. It was so unbearably hot out as most of you witnessed if you stood outside for 5 seconds yesterday. The races were nice, the cars were nice, but I started getting very dehydrated and light headed. I'm not really good when it comes to heat, I mean i was born dehydrated. haha. So we left a little earlier then we expected but thats okay, becasue it was better then risking one of us dropping on the ground from heat exsaustion.
So last night we had a little party at the house which was fun since we havent had one in a long ass time. Got to see Jen Y again which was awesomeince i havent seen her all summer then I saw her 2 nights in a row. Let's just say I had about 8 Electric Lemonaids and they were damn good. Besides some stupid unavoidable drama, the get together was fun. I didnt wake up until almost 2 today. =\

So now today who knows. It was really nice having the weekend off. When I take off Saturday's, my weekend feels much longer. And im anticipating tuesday becasue thats when I'm going to Cape May for 2 days. I am so excited! Off to the shower.

emoxasparagus @ 2005-08-03T11:51:00

2005-08-03T15:51:55Z

the Ham

(26% dark, 69% spontaneous, 33% vulgar)

your humor style:
CLEAN | SPONTANEOUS | LIGHT

Your style's mostly goofy, innocent and feel-good. Perfect for parties and for the dads who chaperone them. You can actually get away with corny jokes, and I bet your sense of humor is a guilty pleasure for your friends. People of your type are often the most approachable and popular people in their circle. Your simple & silly good-naturedness is immediately recognizable, and it sets you apart in this sarcastic world.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Will Ferrell - Will Smith

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 0% on dark

You scored higher than 94% on spontaneous

You scored higher than 42% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

the greiving process.

2005-08-02T01:55:23Z

It's so funny how people just change completley within a time span that it takes a butterfly to hatch from a cacoon. (ha.)

But its completley opposite. insted of something ugly turning beautiful...something beautiful turnes very ugly.

It's a risky, lonley path your heading down. I gave all I could to point you in the other direction, but I guess that was a waste of my time. The other night I flipped through dozens of pictures of us going back to when we were in mist of age 12 and 13. wow. (I cant really believe i've known you so long)And to be quite honest, I cried. Hell..I sobbed.Why arent I good enough for you anymore.we used to be eachothers role modles, heros, sholder-to-lean-on.

Just please, dont ever forget me.
no matter how many fucked up things you do.
and no matter how much you morph into this differnt person, at the rate i change my socks.

I will still use your name, when people ask me who made the biggest impact on your life.
And the sad part is, I know im not the name that would come out of your mouth...on that exact question.

but I once was.
sometimes I feel so alone.

asshole.

2005-07-28T15:37:10Z

This is just escalading into a bigger and bigger mess.

I have no more money in my savings account and I started out with so much.
my dad is a prick. He siad he'd pay for my school (which is due augest 4th) and a week before it's due he tell's me he's not going to anymore. Now I have to use my money. So now i'm fucking poor.

i just feel like screaming into his face about how unfair that is.
My mom has a meeting with a lawyer at 3 today about the divorce.

Thank god...seriously.

blah.

2005-07-20T01:23:13Z

Hmm. what has summer vaction come to. It's more like..what the hell I expecting from it. It's been differnt in my life latley. I feel like there is a hole that needs to be filled in. I don't think it's a person or anything like that. I think I need to go out and do something for myself. I'm really not sure what though, and thats the hard part about what im going through. I'm always looking for some kind of big thing to happen and it does'nt ever come. I try to write these stories or novels and i end them half way through becasue they are'nt good enough. I try to write a beautiful song on my keyboard and wind up shutting it off. I get discouraged way to easily, and annoyed with myself. I dont know whats been wrong with me latley...seriously. Like I said this is'nt about people in my life. It's me. and I dont like it. And i can't figure it out. Im not depressed, or unhappy. Im just confused.

emoxasparagus @ 2005-07-18T00:26:00

2005-07-18T04:30:49Z

Today I gave Rorys two kittens to patty. Theyre new owner.
I felt terrible when i put them in the cat taxi, and began to walk out the door becasue Rory lhad this confused and sad look in her eyes. They cried the whole way there, mouths open, wide eyed, and sad little "meows" insted of happy ones :( when I got to her house and let them roam around, they sniffed a few things and seemed okay. I cried on the way home, half becasue the guilt i felt from seperating these kittens from their mother, or my cat from her kittens. And also becasue giving them away is a wonderful thing but its hard not knowing if they will get the same amount of love my family did. Im gonna miss the little guys. I didnt even get to kiss them goodbye becasue the girl i gave them too was practically pushing me out the door. :\ I just hope they're happy there and that they will be okay.

the house definitly felt weird when i got home and only rory came running to the door to greet me and not the other 2 kitties.

yippee

2005-07-15T20:25:54Z

wWll the summer has been okay. nothing too special. I've been getting really awesome paychecks becasue i've been working my ass off. But it pays off. As much as i say i hate my job, i really dont mind it that much. The job itself, the work that is, is way to easy. Foaming milk, cleaning tables, restocking a pastry case...a 10 year old can do my job. It might just be some people who work there that either irritate me, or say stupid things becasue people often dont think before they speak. And as for my manager, he is way to easy going and i feel that he babies people way too much. Except me.

well anyway, i think i have feet problems. no, im serious. When i wake up in the morning i feel like i cant even walk. any pressure on my feet feels like a knife is going through them. they swell sometimes and other times they feel like ive been running all day, even though i havent. i should go to the doctors, but i havent gotten motivated or scared enough to go yet.

So the 2 little kittens we were trying to find homes for are finally being taken in. My friend Patty from work is taking them. i couldnt feel any happier knowing the two will be together, and going to a home with a family, and a girl who has had a cat, and loves them. :) yay! I'm taking them over in the cat taxi sunday, around 2. It's kinda more sad letting these 2 go then it was for the other 2, becasue we had these kittens for a while now and watching them grow up was so cute. I'll miss the little fur balls running around and making messes and nibbiling on my feet. :'( oh well. We still have Rory. :)

I talked to christina on the phone wednesday night. it was awesome and we planned to hang out thursday before i went to work but she didnt feel too good. But im so glad we got caught up on everything. I really did miss her so much.

Tonight...well in 2 hours. is Harry potter night at work.(insert sarcasim here)YAY..IM SO EXCITED!!! seriously, i hope i dont offend anyone, and bet i am, a 8 hour event for a book about wizzards is pathetic. seriously. Wait till tomorrow and come get your book, why do you need it at midnight. ugh. me and my friend Erik at work are at the "cafe express" haha...its at the front of the store and we get to sell coffee all night long while the hundreds of fanatic harry pot head gangs swarm in and indulge themselves in our "midnight magic party". dammnit.

so much for getting a goodnight sleep before waterfest tomorrow. ill be getting home around 2:30-3 am. Hurray!

tomorrow is waterfest and it should be fun. Corey(we've been really good, i cant belive weve been dating a year and four months, thats so crazy but awesome.)alex, nick, carrie and i are heading over to englishtown to the show. it was fun last year, so this year should be even better. :) hopefully i'll even out my terrible tan.

well thats all for now, buh byes.

wow.

2005-07-04T19:16:35Z

i miss christina...

yeah, i really miss her.

:sigh

2005-06-28T18:25:45Z

graduating was wonderfull.

the thought that its over is reliving, but sad. i made so many friends and memories, but there all a big blur right now spinning around my head. its like, it happend so fast, but slow at the same time. and i loved just as equally as i hated it. i learned SO much these past 4 years its unbelivable, and ive become a person that i actually have leanred to accept. the ting about high school is, everyone is so afraid to actually let yourself loose from your shell, and go experience things, and once you do...you never forget it. i think i can speak for everyone when i say, those nights, staying out late with our friends, driving around doing stupid things but having so much fun, were incridible. And even those days, just laying around with your friends doing jack shit, atlough at the time seemed boring and dumb, we all wish we can go back to that for just one day. You meet so many people, through others, through yourself. and some people you stay close with, others, you almost never speak to. The other weird thing about high school is that, you can be so close to someone, hell, you can love someone, then hate them, or hate someone, and then love them, or get in a fight with friends, whatever it is, they are always in the same building as you no matter what. and somehow in the end, you wish you took that time you had to forgive them, or say "look this is really stupid of us". Although i have not ONE regret from high school, i do wish some things went differntly, like meeting all the people i did senior year, perhaps freshmen year. 4 years is a long time. lots of shit has happend to me. but i left with happiness. becasue like i said, i have learned so much, and it has shaped me into the person you see today. a happy person, that appreciates people for who they are, and appriciates life for whatever the heck it has in store for you. take it and do something with it. life gets a lot better that way. and of course, i will miss all the faces i loved seeing everyday, but they all have my number. and even if they dont call me, who cares. they have their own lives to take care of, as long as they keep our memories, thats all i need to call a friendship, a friendship. goodbye school, you taught me a lot. and im sure when i step back into that building 10 years from now, that smell, that sight, will spill 10,000 memories into me. And i cant wait, to have that feeling. good luck to everyone i know, well be fine, i promise. life isnt too hard, remember that. and NEVER forget to have fun in life.

yo.

2005-04-19T19:58:51Z

Well well well. I got my report card today, which isnt really a big deal. i passes all my classes which is the only thing i really wanted to do. So i am happy with that.

I finally got my braces off on friday. i got a retainer...now i have a lisp. its pretty interesting to see peoples reactions when im at work, taking orders...either they are really EXTREAMLY nice to me...or scared of me...either way they will not make eye contact.
all becasue they think i have something wrong with me.

which is understandable..i dont blame them for feeling uncomfortable around me. but i can only imagine how terrible it is for people with a lisp their whole lives.

So other then the removal of annoying metal glued to my teeth....the same old stuff has been going on...having little or no money, friends,working,boyfriend<3,school.in 2 months i will be 18. i will be out of highschool(thank god) and ready for my life.which i am not afriad to start.

my Cat..or should i say Kitten...Rory, had 4 baby kittens. they are soooo cute, you have no idea..if anyone wants one..please take one.

Today i am going shopping with my mom, to get last minute items for a wedding i am attending on saturday. it should be tons of fun, and i absolutley adore the dress i got. If only i could get dressed up Every day and feel beautiful.

Life is a gift.